Mannequin Mode

(My most mannequin like photo...haha!)

Have you ever been depressed? I have. I'm talking clinically zonkered out on meds kind of depressed. I think it's hereditary in my family. My mom suffers from panic attack disorder and I suffer from occasional depression and anxiety disorder. I HATE it. It always seems to catch me off guard. I can be cleaning house and humming a happy tune and all of a sudden an anxiety attack decides to come out to play. It's one of the most uncomfortable feelings you can experience. My depression always sets in when I have a big change going on in my life or there is a lot of negativity surrounding me. I'm not really one of those people who is good with change at all. I wish I was, but I'm a list making routine kind of gal. I'm also really sensitive to other people's emotions (which I'll talk about in another blog) so when there is a lot of negative emotions around me, I am majorly effected. My experiences with depression probably differ from others. I never had suicidal thoughts or tons of crying fits. I just felt completely numb. I'm talking someone could have died and I probably wouldn't have cared kind of numb. The weird thing about depression (at least for me) was that while I was numb to emotions it made me extremely aware of my surroundings. Since I could give two craps less what anyone thought at the time, my world became this place without people judging me. Well, I'm sure people would judge me, but I was to zonkered out to give a shit. Haha! It's really odd. It's almost as if judgement in general is more effective when we take offense to it. Since I didn't care about anything my world seemed to be smooth sailing without all the drama of everyone else's thoughts clouding it up. If people would tell me their problems and stories, I would sit there like a mannequin and not even waste my breath giving them advice that I knew would go in one ear and out the other because I simply didn't care. It was wonderful! I was noticing beauty in a lot of things that I hadn't noticed before because of the world taking my attention away. I'm NOT in any way shape or form trying to glamorize depression at all. It's not fun and it's a serious medical condition. This was just my personal experience. Trust me..I'd rather have a mouth and emotions any day rather than sit there like a lump on a log. But, as I started feeling better that world of not caring about other people's problems and minding my own business stuck with me. It's hard for me to not dispense advice to people because I'm the type of person who is really practical. I like to make people think. I actually think I would be a great therapist! lol! If there's anything I've learned from being depressed, it's how to eliminate drama from my life. Because I was so consumed and taken over with depression, nothing else seemed to matter. Therefore, there wasn't a smidge of drama in my life at that time. So...when I feel like people are getting to heavy for me and involving me in their life problems a little too much I go back to my "depression" mode. Except NOW...I actually enjoy what I'm doing. I'll stay in, do nothing, watch TV, clean a little house and just basically lay low until things clear up. I'll pretty much ignore everyone for a while so they can get their life together and I'll do it on purpose. (I know...it's a little mean) But, in all honesty we can't take on everyone else's problems and make them our own all the time. Especially when they make it a one way street. Have you ever had friends that spill all their beans to you and when it's your chance to vent they detour back to their own life and problems? We've all been there. People like that are selfish. People like me who are always wanting to help have a problem remembering that these problems are NOT MINE!!! Which leads me to my next point. It's nice to listen and it's nice to want to help, but all the chitter chatter of other people's drama can lead you to the path of depression, the blues, confusion, stress or anxiety when there is really no need for you to end up at that destination to begin with because those problems were never yours. Do you get what I'm saying? I think at least twenty five percent of our stress is given to us by other people. They expect us to handle their world for them yet take none or little of the advice that we used our energy dispensing to them. So...I'm here to tell you that it's OK to be a little "mean" like me and go into mannequin mode once in a while to let people solve their own problems. Key word here is "once in a while." We don't have to be mean and ignore people all the time when they begin telling us their problems. That would just be cold hearted. Haha! Sometimes being nice and helpful isn't worth the stress that's going to follow. You won't be a bad friend either. You'll just be simplifying your life so that you're able to create a less stressful environment for yourself and be a better and less stressed out friend later on down the line. :) I mean seriously...how are we supposed to be positive and cute if people keep dumping their crap on us?

<3

Hayley