Monday, October 1, 2012

I will never forget

What can I say? I haven't shared  much of my struggles, my life, or pretty much anything with anyone.  If I were to quiz the majority of my friends they would know just the basic facts about me. I actually had an acquaintance tell me the other day that he didn't know anything about me until he researched my Facebook and was happy to know that I am a Scentsy consultant, like to cook, etc. I laughed and I told him that no one really knows anything about me except for my family and of course my husband. Well, lately I have been going through some  health struggles and I have been keeping it to myself which has stressed me out more than anything. It's been a 4 year battle and it seems like there is no end in sight. I have started to vent about it on my youtube channel which took a lot of consideration on my part. The reason I decided to turn to my channel is because I have viewers from all over the world. If I can help 1 person diagnose themselves or bring awareness to this, then I feel that I will have turned a negative experience into something positive. I'm almost afraid to tell people in my life what is going on because I don't want the focus of certain aspects of this thing to be looked upon because I feel bad enough already. I don't need people pointing out the obvious or possibly pointing things out that perhaps I haven't noticed.  People are cruel and mean like that and I've had enough mean things said to me over the past 4 years that I don't think I could possibly take another hit. I want to look like myself again, feel like myself again, and most importantly...act like myself again. I don't like what I see right now. I am not me, but I know that I am in here somewhere.  From my face looking completely different and aged, to my hair and nails...everything is a mess. 
I am happy that people in my life including my viewers are supportive and that I am learning to embrace what I have to deal with for now.  I am just tired of feeling like I'm never going to get the help that I need. I know this is real, my blood work shows that it's real, and my body feels that it's real. I just need someone to be committed enough to help me through this all the way.  Changing your body is definitely a luxury and when you can't do it quickly realize that. When you have no control over what your body does and doesn't's like being trapped. I feel trapped in this body that I can not fix by myself. Take care of yourselves and don't ever take your health for granted. Take your vitamins and don't be lazy with exercise. This is the part that baffles me. I have always been the type of person to be active and for the most part healthy...and for the past 4 years you would never even know it. One day I will be back to my old self and one day I will thank those of you who have been kind and supportive. I will never forget those of you who have made comments about my appearance and this is includes family. I can't. Although some of you may not even know my situation, it's still unacceptable to pick apart anyones appearance and think it's ok. From asking me after my wedding when I wanted to take pictures  if I could still fit into my dress, talk about me at bbq's in front of other people including strangers to me, or point out my flaws to me as if I wasn't a human being, but some painting that was on a wall. I will never forget those of you who have comforted me in my times of need, asked how I have been every single week for the past 4 years, and have text me on days when I was headed to the doctor's. I will never forget. 

1 comment:

  1. I known we hardly hang or chat like before but Ive always cared for you & will continue to like a sister I never had. Everytime we link up its like we go back to ol times, girl chatting it up lol so to say!Goood times! :) Im here for you when or if you need to vent or talk to someone late at know me im up real late like a vampire. because I wanna keep surrounding myself with positive and good people like you & like I have been for awhile now. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the best and well in everything going on or that you do! Love ya girl! & keep the faith all will be fine! Your beautiful and talented! God bless You!
    <3 xoxo Bella